3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one鈥檚 laughing now. I鈥檓 receiving treatment and everyone鈥檚 been really supportive.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can鈥檛 do this to people.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He鈥檚 in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it鈥檚 for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they鈥檙e from Hasbro.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I am yelling