3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
damn he’s good
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”