3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
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somewhere, in an alternate universe
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek