3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I bet birds love this building.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
This meal prepping shit easy
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.