3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired