3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”