3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
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Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.