3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
You Might Also Like
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.