3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.