3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
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God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If only
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.