3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Can’t stop laughing
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
no refunds
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*frowns in Scottish*
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture