3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Bond. Trauma bond.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.