30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I put the p in pants.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.