30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.