30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
we’re gonna need another temp
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.