30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.


Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts


[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow


*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people


Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.


If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide


A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”


I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud


I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.