30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
You Might Also Like
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan