[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this![]()
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GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.