30 seconds left on the microwave
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone
do the space shuttle countdown
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
WHY THE HELL NOT
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.
Now I scrub the floors.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Put a ring on it
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
A drum solo but on your face.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.