Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

guilty

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

Put a ring on it

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

A drum solo but on your face.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.