30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed