“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Guilty! 🤪
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?