<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”