*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Sing it!
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number