[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye