You Might Also Like
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise