31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
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Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
the icebreaker
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.