You Might Also Like
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.