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They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”