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Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.