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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…