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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.