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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.