*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.