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[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
#winning
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?