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Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK