*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
True.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway