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How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.