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When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again