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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Finally!
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?