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“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.