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Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”