34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.