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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
what’s more important?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Snapes on a plane.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds