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I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
courtroom exchange of the day
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*