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@dougbies

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

@ShawnGarrett

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

@causticbob

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

@liljonlovitz

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@jonnysun

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

@bogadafet

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

@shanethevein

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

@evangeline_dawn

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!