35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.