Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.