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I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.