Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.