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A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could