@asherperlman
@squirrel74wkgn One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@MasterOfFury If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
@MamaFizzles My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
@caliluvgirl77 him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
@jakelikesnaps Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
@ericsshadow ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
@Darlainky The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
@Chhapiness Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
@Reverend_Scott I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
@burntmybagel Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.