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One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.


If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.


My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.


him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same


Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks


ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more


The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.


Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?


I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”


Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.