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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

@kevinseccia

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

@MoistPork

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

@lazerdoov

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

@Elizasoul80

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

@ArrogantBB8

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

@dril

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

@DomesticGoddss

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.