Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.