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Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!