I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”