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@punished_picnic

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

@copymama

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

@zg_irl

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

@justabloodygame

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

@BondJohnBond

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

@ojedge

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”