360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.